Dear Anonymous

Your bloody bird has issues. It’s a demented beast, I tell you. I don’t care what you say on the matter. He looks at me while I write these replies as though he wants to bite a chunk out of my arse if I don’t write faster. Do you not feed him enough?

My name very well could be Connor. I could be putting up such a fight just to throw you off my game. My name is Connor Smith and I live next door to you, as you very well know. Olive flies around the city just so the letters take longer to reach you. It’s all a part of my master plan, of course.

It’s all a lie but wouldn’t it have made a grand tale?

I don’t mind my job as much as I thought I would. Granted just about every job would suck and it’s not as though I had many options since I failed most of my OWLs and NEWTs. The worst part is who I have to work around. Can’t tell you much more, I’m afraid or you might know where I work.

You just read books all day? Dear lord you sound like my Mum. I would have gone shopping instead. Gotten yourself a nice transforming rabbit or gone to that little Twisted Arts. If you haven’t been there I suggest you go. It will sell you bloody near everything.

Most guests would ignore it… However is we put it in the bathroom, move it to in front of the loo right when guests come over. That will make for some awkward yet hilarious times. Then we will move it back to its proper place over the sink.

Muggle appliances. Really I must insist. They have this box called “the fridge” to keep your food cold and an oven to cook food in. What we really need, though, is a telly. They play movies. Which are like pictures but they keep moving and don’t react to anything they tell you, but tell stories. The best ones have tons of explosions.

Perhaps Olive might one day have a little nest of birds in our apartment. Then we’ll have all the little balls of fluff to annoy your Ares with.

You could share some details then, since you’ve read that thick tomb? So I can astound her with my knowledge over dinner. If you could also provide me with other book stuff I would be in your debt.

There might even be another chocolate frog in it for you, or whatever candy you most prefer. Or a bit and bob from Wheezes? Since you are banned from the store?

-Connor AKA H:AH

LAIKA OF ADOXOGRAPHY

Use that line a lot, don't you? Trying to justify your bloody bird to all the innocent people he attacks. Don't know why you thought he wouldn't like Olive, they seem to be getting on just fine at my place.

I fed him treats. He looks less likely to take that bite of my arse.

That doesn't sound like a life worth living at all. In my opinion you should them to sod off and then go and live your own life. Don't be afraid to burn both metaphorical and literal bridges on your way to what you really want. If they don't like it? Bollocks. You're a grown bird, you can make your own choices. Move out and come to your good ol' Connor. We'll bugger off to get our place.

I wish shopping lost it's appeal for me... Never get to do it enough to lose it's charm.

Shite. That makes me sound like a ponce.

Our poor guests. They'll never know until it's too late.

Do you think we should get a magical portrait as well? Someone we both know and like to keep us company and to have arguments with.

So a muggle telly and a muggle kitchen. These seem like perfect ideas.

Ares will love the balls of fluff or he'll have no treats. No dead mice will be fed to Ares until he loves the babies. We will have this discussion, me and him.

...You sound like my mum. I don't want to read the bloody book. If I wanted to I might have passed my OWLs. But I didn't. So here we are.

Are you sure I can't convince you with a bit and bob from Wheezes? I have many crowding my flat I could send you! I swear I won't send the pygmy puff.

-Connor AKA H:AH

LAIKA OF ADOXOGRAPHY

I like your bird just fine. It’s him that has a problem with me. Maybe he’s jealous? I am another male, after all. I threaten his manly birdness with my superior being. I have thumbs, therefore I am superior to him.

I gave him a treat. That is enough spoiling on my end. He needs less spoiling. Then he’ll stop looking at a bloke like they’re just walking food dispensers.

The truth is funny like that, always coming out even when its not wanted. Personally I enjoy our relationship as it stands and I’d rather not rock the boat with something like moving in. But you’re talking months or so from now so maybe I’ll be prepared by then.

Yes, send me a letter every time you shop. I will send you one every time I am in a pub. We will see who gets annoyed first.

My being a ponce is the fun part of life? I worry for your sanity sometimes, Monica. I really do. No magic mirrors, no muggle knowledge, no Wheezes, and now you tell me you like my ponce-ness? Whatever will I do with you.

We will put them in the living area so we might have company for the telly. It should be someone from neither of our families but that we both enjoy.

I am not brain washing him. I am correcting his snotty disposition to bite me, I think he knows that your family wouldn’t approve of me. Possibly because I am a ponce or because he finds me too repulsive to owl you.

I’m not really a ponce but he doesn’t seem to know that.

Alright. Don’t save me from my mum. When I can’t move into our place, you’ll know why. She’ll have killed me by attempting to smash the knowledge into by skull.

I… I can’t say I am surprised you don’t know what a Pygmy Puff is. I have enclosed a picture and a sample product (or two) so you can see what you’re missing!

-Connor AKA H:AH

LAIKA OF ADOXOGRAPHY